you're not a good person, and that's ok
I feel like I can’t be the only one who has grown deeply uncomfortable with the level of damning vitriol in society. It disturbs me and it’s starting to convince me that most people have never learned or at least processed that humans are, at the very basic level, not objectively ‘good.’
Everyone is flawed, everyone has made mistakes, everyone has hurt someone in some way. Now this doesn’t mean that everyone is therefore stuck in ‘who they are’ and no one shouldn’t even try to change anything about themselves. Absolutely not. In fact, in my perspective, what makes you a ‘better’ person is that attention towards yourself, that awareness that you are flawed and of what those flaws are, and then, in turn, that effort towards managing and mitigating these flaws.
I’m actually not certain when I learned all this myself. But it wouldn’t surprise me if I realized very early on in my life that people are not, on a basic level, ‘good,’ due to the level of hurt I endured as a child. But it was only when I grew older, possibly only during the past few years, that I realized that the world is just a mess, and people are ‘bad’ most of the time, and that anyone who feels morally superior is immature and ignorant.
Even though I’m aware of all of this mess now, I sure as hell don’t see myself as morally superior. Honestly I’m still pretty attached to being defined as a ‘bad person;’ maybe it’s because I’m a pessimist (and believe I’ll never reach real 'goodness'), but I think it’s more likely because of my self-awareness. I’ve always been aware that the perception people have of me, the perfect little goodie two-shoes, was completely wrong. I don’t even think I’ve perceived myself as ‘good,’ and I’m not even sure I actually had any desire to be so. I do want to foster goodness, but I do not conflate or equate that goodness with myself and my identity.
I am a flawed person. I have issues handling my anger, a violent mind, a prevalent hunger for power and control, a lack of care for people, a constant discomfort with the vulnerability of friendship, and a cutting tongue whenever something is going slightly wrong with me. Sure, I am not waving these attributes around consistently, but they do exist and sometimes they pop out. I know I’ve hurt people with the things I’ve said and done and I regret those things. I messed up when I was younger because I didn’t know anything. I only had my instincts and while most of the time I could trust them, other times they were misguided. Knowing myself as well as I do now, I can forgive myself for certain things and fix certain behaviors by caring for my hurts more effectively so I don’t have to lash out in pain as often. But even though I’m constantly working on myself and trying to be a comfortable understanding person, I’m not 'good.' I do good things, things that are well meaning and beneficial, but I myself am not yet good. And that’s ok. I don’t have to be, I don’t have to ever be, actually. I just have to be trying.
And so it’s been critical thinking really. Since I know that I’m not the emblem of moral superiority, I should not be the one to pass judgement on another person’s mistakes. I suppose I am at times too forgiving, too willing to bring people back into my life because of a small remnant of connection, but I do know when to protect my peace. Cutting people off is necessary at times; no one is demanding that you sacrifice yourself on the altar of forgiveness, but I would suggest that everyone pick their battles better. Not every fight is worth it. Not every 'bad' person needs to go down pierced by a thousand fiery arrows. Especially since those arrows could quite easily be shot back at you.
We are not, on our basic level, perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone is a mistake even, there are errors everywhere, there is a potential to be hurt every step you take, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it to love deeply or that you can't hope to find some magic in your life. It’s just that you have to alter your expectations a bit to fit the reality. Not everything will be perfect or black and white or clean cut. Everything is a bit messy, and just because it’s messy doesn’t mean it’s 'bad.' It’s just messy.
~dys