you'll understand when you're older
More times than I can count, I have looked over at my mother while we were watching a movie, singing together, or simply holding a conversation, and have seen her eyes just full of tears. And when I was much younger, I did judge her for this a little, as I did not understand the reasons why anyone would feel like crying at the drop of the hat.
I was not fond of emotion as a child. I did not have many pleasant experiences with its expression.
I do not judge her tears now. I have not judged them for a decade now, because I have become so like her in this particular it makes me emotional thinking about it.
But that took time, and sorrow, and change.
I would not cry so about loss if I too did not know that grief and devastation. I would not cry so about expressions of love and care if I too did not know the beauty, the lightness, the joy of that.
I understand her now that I'm older. I understand that sometimes your grief after losing someone you love can still overwhelm you years and years later. I understand that happiness is sometimes relief and relief is often a release. I understand that certain experiences can shape your emotions in ways you could never have imagined. I understand now that expressing them isn't weakness, it's honesty, it's stability, it's catharsis.
And it may sound funny, but I find such joy in my tears now. I understand, and god that hurts, but I'm so happy that I do.
~nan
I will admit I have no idea if this makes coherent sense. I am a bit emotional and also tired and yeah, stream of consciousness. But it felt necessary, for some reason.