the desire for injury
Claim: As a child, I wanted to have crutches, or braces, or glasses. It was call for attention, because people pay attention to you when you’re injured.
Even though I have been reasonably healthy all my life, I have never experienced this.
Because you could not convince me that fainting more often than I already do or spraining my ankle more times than I already have or getting braces again are things that are desirable. Knowing that pain, there is no way in hell I would want to experience that again.
Maybe it’s something about the pain being too much, the lack of control being terrifying, the persistent questions and attention from others, and the difficult masking of hurt. I know how all of that feels. Do not romanticize it or make it seem desirable. It is hellish. Do not desire it.
I will admit I have felt this before; a part of me does miss the times when I sprained my ankles. But it wasn’t because of the attention I received, because that was honestly unbearable. Rather, it was because I had an excuse to be low energy, that I had an excuse to rest.
I was so frustrated with my situation at those times, but I was allowed to rest, and so I remember it as sweeter.
~nan