thankful for the little things
So I've been kind of numbed out lately. Mostly unconscious, living in my head type nonsense, but some of it has been intentional because the 'going back to work' of it all has poked a few holes in my calm and cool exterior. I haven't blown a gasket, but Nan has been pretty pissed under the surface. I'm still enjoying myself, but some people need to get it together, with love. But other than those few moments of rage, it's been mostly numbness and that's always just so lovely. I love that so much. It's so great.
Ha. yeah.
So much so that when other emotions pop out, it feels really really weird. My laughter feels so much more abrupt and drastic and loud, and my tears feel overwhelming at times. I'm thankful for them. Thankful that they're ready to exist at all. But it's like I'm breaking through a layer of ice or dust every time I express them and it just feels weird. It's like my brain has to wake up and be like 'oh how do I do this again? right.' I'm relearning how to laugh and cry and smile and have a light behind my eyes. Lord, how bleak that sounds.
But it's not like I haven't done this before. So I'll figure it out again. I expect it won't be easy. It never is; such an expectation is a bit idiotic to express. But I felt the need to do it anyway, and I'm not about to stifle my honest expression at this moment.
I've been listening to classical music off and on today, mostly because I just really wanted to for some reason, and so it's been Mahler's Symphony No. 5, and some other things, but mostly just the 4th movement of Symphony No. 5. I don't know what it is about it, but there's something strangely nostalgic and comforting about it and I've been obsessed with it ever since I heard it in a music class growing up.
And it's been healing, all the music has. Something about the tempo of it all just allows me to breathe, to still, to become only ears in a way that doesn't harm the rest of me. And I'm thankful it exists, especially at times like this.
I'm thankful for the little things today. As I always am.
~nan