replaceable feels worse than unwanted
Whenever I happen across questions that are supposed to get you to think about the insecurities and complexes you might have, I always end up answering a bit flippantly, like ‘I don’t know. Maybe I’m annoying to some people?’
One of these questions for instance was ‘why are you unwanted?’ And sure, the word ‘unwanted’ did kick at my insides slightly, but I’ve been through this already. I do not have a complex about being unwanted. I know I’m valuable and that I’m wanted, perhaps not in my entirety at this very moment in my life, but at some point, I will be.
My issues dwell instead in the feeling of ‘being replaceable.’ It was deeply unpleasant for me to feel like I was the perpetual second choice, like I was never someone’s priority, like I had to strive eternally towards uniqueness or else I’d be kicked to the curb.
Related to that were issues with feeling undervalued and unloved, that my worth as a human, living and breathing and taking up space, was hardly recognized.
I recognized when aspects of myself were wanted and needed even, but I kept being afflicted by a lack of sincerity. Nothing ever lasted, nothing reached the depths I craved, and so the emptiness remained, the sting still digging into my side.
It’s a weird place to be in, being so aware of your self worth, but not feeling appreciated for it. The disconnect is icky, occasionally makes me feel bad about myself, but it never lasts all too long.
I’m already aware of my actual flaws, and it’s growing easier to treat myself with gentleness.
~nan
I know not everything is for me, for my perspective on things, but whenever I come across something that just deeply conflicts with my frame of mind, it does give me pause, and makes me want to delve deeper into why that might be. I know a lot about myself, but it is interesting what more I’m always uncovering. I am not wonderfully mutable for nothing.