messages to and from my past self
I'm going back on my word.
To be fair, I do this often. I am delightfully inconstant, side effects of being a Gemini, I'm sure someone would say. I change my mind constantly, adapting to the current situation's demands.
I made a promise to myself months ago now, maybe even a year now thinking about it, that I would not read over my old diary entries anymore. They were hurting me too much and I needed to move on, not wallow in the pain.
A little hasty was that decision.
I am ok with never reading my high school/ college age diaries again. I was a very different person then, and I do not think I could glean any benefit from reading what I wrote during that point in my life.
But the entries from 3-4 years ago could be helpful.
There was actually a valid and valuable reason I kept reading old entries if I never explained why. I'm inconstant but I am quite cyclical, and often the problems I find myself struggling with aren't so different from the ones I encountered earlier in my life. So the processing from then often guides me in the right direction or at least provides me with some reassurance and comfort. Because I've done this once, I can do it again.
I don't really know what I was doing. Maybe I was just bored and my 2023-6 diary was just there, sitting on my desk. But I opened it and flipped through a couple of sections, and I was surprised by my own voice. It was younger, sure, obviously, but I didn't feel as disconnected from her as I would have expected. She even had made some insightful conclusions that I had forgotten about. And her problems were less horrifying, and more relatable, more familiar.
I did come across something I wrote in the fall of last year which I had completely forgotten about and it did deal me a gut punch. It was an answer to the question: 'What advice would you give your 5 year old self?' The answer was short, and oddly irreverent in the way it was written, scribbled in the sparse remaining space at the bottom of a page. But damn. I shouldn't have expected less from myself. The answer was: 'Love yourself so damn hard. Because no one else will and it will suck. But life is worth it.'
If I was phrasing this for anyone else, the last sentence would have been more detailed and elaborate, but its existing terse nature suits my brain perfectly. And I think my young self would have appreciated it. She would have understood.
~nan
Nothing like learning from yourself. I love it. So much.
Currently Reading: The Talisman Ring by Georgette Heyer
Currently Listening To: Vulnerable (Album) from Jasmine Jethwa & The Last Laugh (Album) from VOILÀ