I will have to save myself
God, I hate that I'm writing about this, that I'm admitting this bit of myself at all. But it's on my mind, and I'm tired of ruminating on it. So here it is. In all its glory.
I am a self sufficient person. I am strong, smart, conscious, aware. I am kind, careful, attentive. But I am also so tired of saving everyone else, having to intercede on everyone else's behalf, standing up for myself because no one else is willing to lift a finger.
I wanted an older sibling growing up for this exact reason. I wanted someone to protect me as fiercely as I protected my younger brother. I still desire that shield, that buffer, even though I've grown and moved into my own agency. I never wanted to be the safeguard. I just knew there had to be one, and I didn't want to see my loved ones fail, so I stepped up. And here I still am.
I know my role is throttling me, the saint forever interceding. I know I can't give forever. But I also have no idea how to let go of the reins, to let it all fall apart.
Realistically, I know that can't be true. My presence can't be load-bearing. I don't want to believe that. And yet I've stayed still as if I do.
If the stillness isn't evidence of my belief that I am essential to my communities, then why have I stayed frozen for so long?
I think I'm waiting for someone to come and save me. I'm such a damsel in distress in my head that I've just been expecting a hero, a knight in shining armor, to come whisk me away from the horrors.
But that isn't how life works. You can't wait for a catalyst. You need to embrace your agency. And I know that. I love that about life actually.
And so I will have to save myself. As I always do. At some point. Soon.
~nan