I don't idolize my past self
There is nothing blinding me when I consider my past self. I cannot idolize whoever that was, because I am actually more frequently disturbed by my younger self than disposed to romanticize her.
I've said this many times but I've always known that my true self was someone older. So how can I say that and also be stuck in that past moment? Sure, I’ve grieved it, childhood, that innocence, that joy. I suppose I am a bit stuck in a sense of longing, because there was so much lost there. I do have a yearning to feel that sort of freedom and overflowing creativity once again.
But I haven't lost that freedom and creativity completely as an adult. I've made time. I've allowed myself to pursue those things. And that's made growing up easier. I'm still having fun.
And I recognize my flaws, what I've grown out of, how I've matured, what has changed. The vicious rage of the child dulled into the apathy of the teenager, then was tempered to the grounded fury of the adult. I know that the me at the present moment is much more whole and beautiful than the me of the past, because of how I've changed, what I've learned. And I will progress. And it will be magnificent.
~nan