I don't feel shame
Shame, as defined by Merriam-Webster: a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety.
Shame is a funny thing to me, mostly because I don’t think I experience it all that much. The lack of it is so great that I cannot, honestly cannot, remember the last time I felt it. And sometimes I don’t really know how to feel about that. Obviously it’s not a bad thing. I have confidence in myself and my actions and my identity. But I do wonder why on earth my emotions have played out in this way.
I have a feeling that it’s because I’ve existed for years as an overactive defense mechanism. I was so at odds with the world around me, too quiet, too sincere, too strange in my tastes, too judgemental, too angry, that I had to defend who I was and my choices constantly. I couldn’t just be how I wanted; I had to have a reason that made sense too. Sometimes I did have to defend myself to others, but a lot of the time I was defending myself to myself, which is an odd thing to say, I’m aware.
I’ve described myself as two parts constantly at war with one another, often with the terms head vs. heart. However, it is more like my impulsivity and my pragmatism are clashing. I am terribly impulsive and tend to pursue things that make me happy with violent urgency. But I’m also deeply pragmatic, resulting from ages of watching and observing and absorbing the rules of the world around me. My pragmatic side knows that not all of my impulses are smart and safe, thus they are kept on a short leash.
There may have been shame in that originally. But now there isn’t. I know myself. I trust myself. Sure, she makes mistakes and does silly things sometimes. But she’s not stupid; she in fact understands a great deal. And she wants what she wants for very valid reasons.
I didn’t always have a satisfactory answer when I was younger for why I would make certain decisions. I just wanted very specific things and could never understand why that was hard for people to wrap their heads around.
Now though I get it. I want to be happy, and I’m pursuing it in the way I see fit. Some of that is very much at odds with what society thinks I should be pursuing and sure, that wheedles into my brain sometimes. But it doesn’t stick very long. I don’t feel ashamed because I’m at odds there. Sure, it does make getting what I want out of life a bit more difficult. But it doesn’t make the ideal any less attractive. And why should it, when the goal is simply to be fulfilled and happy.
~nan
Currently Reading: Venetia by Georgette Heyer
Currently Listening to: NeverAlways (Vol. 2) (Album) from The Band CAMINO