I discovered true loneliness too young
‘I think I discovered too young what true loneliness is. It’s a pity really, especially since I’m still not sure I actually had anything to do with it.’
I wrote this down ages ago, don’t really remember when, and unfortunately, I think this remains as one of the main stumbling blocks within my growth as a person.
This isn’t to say my childhood was the worst; I, in fact, very much enjoyed my childhood and the experiences I had. But those experiences are quite singular, insular, somewhat lonely.
I’ve always had difficulties with people. They terrified me as a child, they still terrify me in some aspects to this day. I hated talking, I hated being looked at. I was shy, quiet, and awkward at times.
So it is to be expected that I was not apt with making friends. I did have them, but I struggled with maintaining close enduring friendships. Most of my relationships were convenient, surface level, and at many points in my life, I was deeply confused about who even liked me as a person.
Regarding the second part of the quote, I guess I have processed enough to realize that I can blame myself a bit for not being vulnerable, not reaching out when I should, not engaging as deeply or sincerely as others might have done.
But it was hard existing in the spaces that I did with no real frame of reference of whether or not my company was enjoyed. I was convinced that my friendship was merely convenient, not desired, and I was too aware that who I was as a person was never really acknowledged. I didn’t feel like I actually existed around others. Instead they were just seeing some particular version of me they had created in their heads and I was too mild of a physical presence to ever shatter that perception. I’m not certain anyone growing up knew the real me.
And so I was lonely. I felt ignored, at best, tolerated, and never celebrated. And those experiences created a weird pit in my soul that has never really left.
I have grown to be more social, more capable of existing in spaces where I’d be looked at and listened to, more confident in my personhood, but the hole is still there, and I’m still working through mending it.
I never supposed it would be a quick fix, the wound has been there for basically two decades, but I hope to one day feel the warmth and support I know I deserve and what I have been striving to encourage in my relationships during the past few years.
The healing is slow, but it exists nonetheless.
~dys