floundering and I don't like it...
It’s been ages since I’ve felt this disconnected with my physical form, and I. Still. Don’t. Like. It.
Don’t really know why I’m specifying. There’s not much to like.
But goddddddddddddd. Can I feel something?! Is it too much to ask that I have emotions? That run deep? That I feel fully? Instead of some shallow fleeting expressions that hardly leave an impression?
I don’t want this. I don’t like it!
And YET! IT STILL PERSISTS!
I don’t think I’ve felt this listless and awful since I was in the depths of my depression during college. I thought I had figured something out. I hate it.
What made me realize this lack of feeling had become all consuming was the fact that I laughed a couple days ago and I realized with a start that I had not done that in months. Sure, I had smiled, grinned, giggled. But laughed? Sincerely laughed? Really laughed? Laughed until tears were streaming out of my eyes and I could hardly breathe? Cannot tell you the last time I felt such a level of joy.
I’ve been so disconnected, so stressed, so out of it, so awful, for months now. I hate it. I don’t like feeling like this. I’ve been shoving entertainment into my face desperately trying to distract my brain from the numbness and trying to force some sort of escapism, but it’s not working the same way it did.
I want to end this in a hopeful way, because I am going to get through it; this too shall pass. But DAMN IT ALL.
~nan
[I'm still debating if being this honest here is worth it, but maybe my frustrations are relatable.]