feeling weird
I hit a place a few days ago where I felt the overwhelm of people again: where nothing seemed better to me than to simply not talk to anyone ever again and only focus on myself. And god, I really— I don’t know how to feel about that.
Like I was almost desperately trying to find connection and companionship for the past few months and now I’m just ok? Why is this something that happens to me? Can’t I just be consistent?
I guess not.
I’ve been a paradox my entire life. And that’s ok. That’s realistic. I’m human; it was bound to happen.
It's tiring though, especially when I’m aware this feeling won’t last.
It is weird to realize that half of the reason I’m like this now is because I’m attempting to take better care of my body and thus am more aware of my body. Like awareness of my body causes me to be more content with being by myself. The bitter realization that I exist causes me to be satisfied with living untethered.
I mean I’ve taken this disconnect into consideration before, but I've always thought it was my body making all these decisions. Now I actually think it was my mind: my mind forgetting that I actually exist and there are consequences for my body. Thankfully, I have nothing to regret this time, but hell, it’s hard coming back in and being acutely uncomfortable with the state everything was left in.
Because now I need to figure out how to not make myself feel like the underside of someone’s shoe.
~nan [I love myself, but god, I drive me crazy]