death in the family
'My grandmother is dead.'
There was no expression in her face, no emotion.
He glanced up and gazed at her for a moment before asking, 'Who told you?'
'My mother. Very formally too. No feelings, just cold hard facts.'
'Are you sad?'
She looked up then, and when her eyes met his, a brief smile crossed her lips. 'No, not really. I don't know.' She leaned back in her chair and looked at the ceiling. 'I had so much rage in me during out last conversation. And that's all I can remember. And I don't know what I'm feeling now.'
He hummed. He had not been there for that tragic explosive encounter, but he had seen her afterward, seen the look in her eye, that glazed over distant look, that bright red lip swollen from her nervous teeth. He knew then what had occurred, even though she never mentioned it in so many words.
'I think I hated her then. I don't think I do now, but damn, it makes it difficult to process.' She sighed and paused for a moment before continuing, 'Because I did love her when I was younger. I wanted to spend time with her. And yet... and yet she never actually liked me, I think. I don't think she ever actually liked me. She didn't know me. Didn't care for me, sincerely. She never would have said that to me if she actually loved me.'
Her voice wavered slightly then and he slowly approached and sat beside her. He didn't touch her, didn't want to overwhelm her, but he sat close to her, watching and smiling sadly.
'I know I'm just babbling now. I don't even know what I'm trying to say or feel.'
'No, I understand,' he said quietly. 'I know acutely what it is you're feeling. It's weird, and it ebbs and flows. It doesn't quite feel like grief, nor like joy. It's just confusion, anger, sadness all wrapped into one disturbed emotion.'
He paused here and reached out to place his hand on hers. 'But like all other emotions it will pass; you just have to endure its tides.'
~nan