and then it hits you
making my breakfast for tomorrow ahead of time, as I do, typically, often, no, sometimes, I disappeared into the silence.
and it hit me.
dark, grief, pain, worry, the weight. the overwhelming weight. the hopelessness. inescapable. the nonsense. the noise.
I thought about screaming, crying, doing both at the same time.
I held it in. I can't do this right now, I thought. none of that will help the 'this.'
not that this will help the 'this.' the writing, I mean.
I'm not really certain why I'm writing, to be completely honest. this seems more like a journal entry I'll hopefully forget about in a few months time.
but it does feel like the weight of reality finally settled in on me, which is a real pity because I was enjoying being delusional.
I don't want to be a cynic, a pessimist. I want to indulge optimism, joy.
but I'm running on empty.
and it's all eating away at me.
and I'm just sad, you know? I'm sure you know. we all are, at least a little. I don't want to be. I don't want to be wallowing in a bottomless pit with sirens beneath twirling about my ankles waiting for me to finally give up so they can drag me down to a watery grave.
but I don't know how to do that when I feel like I'm living in a nightmare. a nightmare that flashes and fades, pulls in and out of focus, but slowly pulses with more and more strength.
I just want to do what I love, and I want to be strong enough to do so. is that really so hard to accomplish? will it really be that difficult?
I don't know the answer, and I think I'm scared of the answer too. scared of the possibility that it will be 'yes,' starting to doubt that it could be 'no.' I hate that.
I honestly hate that I'm even acknowledging that I feel this way to myself, let alone through all this. it feels like I'm failing, falling short, tripping over myself once again, by acknowledging that the part of me that I've been trying to ignore has come back.
but it has.
and so I have to accept that.
I hope it's not too bad this time.
~nan
[a small cry has done me a bit of good. always indulge in a small cry. or even a big cry. your body needs it. you have to rebalance things. I know it sounds silly. but speaking from experience, having a cry on a regular basis did me a world of good in the hard times.]